A bittersweet March

Tomorrow is March 1st, the beginning of a new month in the new year. It’s also the beginning of Lent. My heart quickens a bit as it’s also the court date for my divorce.

Divorce is an ugly word, and it brings a pot full of mixed emotions when I think of it. I never thought I would go through a divorce, and sometimes I still wake up thinking it’s all just a bad dream. But it isn’t. My husband left in October 2016 and never came back. There were many moments and days where I cried and prayed he would come back. And now, for the most part, I wouldn’t mind never seeing him again. I say that, but the truth is much more complex than that. Isn’t it always?

There’s a song by Gwen Stefani that comes to mind where she says:

I don’t know why I cry
But I think it’s ’cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

And she’s singing about her ex-husband Gavin at the time. I feel like I can completely relate to this, but that I don’t feel exactly the same way. I can’t say I used to love Vince because I still love him. I know this sounds insane, but I chose to love him unconditionally and I took a vow with him. While this vow has been broken and we are both moving on with our lives, I don’t see myself ever not caring about the man that I was with for 7 years of my life. The love I have for him has changed, obviously. I will never be able to trust him again, and therefore I could never be in love with him like I was before. But he will always and forever have a special place in my heart, despite everything he said and did to me. And despite it all, I wish him only the best in his life. I hope he finds true happiness.

Forever and always. Goodbye Vince.